Case 9: Inventory Night at Testament
BARISTA: THE AUDITOR
CAFE: NONE
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: INT-01
While I was out and about checking up on the various branches, I figured my first stop should be at Testament. For those unaware, Testament, the second-newest branch of the Cafe and Diner Network, has somehow already managed to rack up a truly staggering amount of debt, far exceeding the operating costs of even the most established Cafes. Ironic, seeing as they guard the Ledger of Fate… Though, they should then very well know that nothing is ever free. I suggested that Jack should force Testament to return the money they have squandered on… shall I say… "Less than legitimate" business. Jack had another idea.
Inventory duty.
As the Cafe and Diner Network has been in operation for at least twenty years now, they have managed to acquire quite the stash of powerful, rare, and unique equipment of the Coffee Trade. In the past, when a rare object was found, stolen, bought, or taken in the name of the Cafe and Diner, it was stashed away in the vaults of the Core Cafe and Diner in Long Beach. It has become impossible to say what we have, what still works, and what simply no longer sparks joy. So, since the fallout of Testament's most egregious misuse of company funds, the contents of the vault have been relocated to an undisclosed location adjacent to Testament, and in the process, they have been tasked with noting what it is we actually have.
If their receipts are accurate, they have inventoried roughly 96% of the Cafe and Diner Network's current holdings. I would like to double-check this for accuracy. Not to say that I do not trust Testament (though I truly don't), but I am also curious about what exactly it is we have… and what still remains unaccounted for. If I am to be the Cafe and Diner's Auditor, I must know what exactly we have to work with.
BARISTA: AMBER INGRAM
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-02
I. Am. So. Tired. Of. Stupid. Inventory. Duty.
Why, oh why, did the other Cafes not just keep track of all the stuff they got as they got it? At least we're down to the final box and I took the object that looked least likely to maim or harm me; a shiny gold medallion with the sigil of the Morningstar on it. Usually, typically, under the most common circumstances… Morningstar is the least dangerous Plane of the Otherside. Er, well, they're all dangerous compared to the Flipside. But Morningstar and the Skalds tend to be fairly chill. Mammon has already squirreled anything from Infernus back into his domain. Mayda stuff ends up trying to drown or curse you. And most stuff from the Necropolis smells like mothballs and probably also wants you dead. Morningstar though? Sunshine and glitter for the most part.
Which, brings me to object #9396: An Auroric Prayer Medallion. It is small, round (naturally), and made from a gold-like medal. Mammon says it's likely Auroric Gold which… yeah, duh. There are a few different types of gold in the Otherside, but… I would dare to guess that the Auroric Prayer Medallion is indeed made of Auroric Gold. As far as special properties go? None that I can ascertain or access. I'm no Morningstarian Demon, for one. And even if I were, mama would not be a priest of Aurora. I've been doing some research into it though, and I guess these are primarily used to open secret passageways in the ziggurat temples of Aurora, and for that reason, it is very much worth keeping.
With Lady Lucifer now on our side, we probably wouldn't necessarily need to sneak around Morningstar without permission… but, you never know! Plus, and I'm not outright suggesting we do this, but, we could, of course… sell the Medallion to a demon or the like who would need to sneak around Aurora. It'd probably fetch us a pretty decent price! As for when and where we actually got this from… mmm… hard to say. The Cafe and Diner has typically left Morningstar alone, up until Lucifer wanted to get her crotch goblin a job… so… I'm gonna go ahead and say we got this during Midnight's Operation: Conjuring Congeries. They must've picked it up in the Black Bazaar along with like half of our other junk.
BARISTA: DOVER D. DEMON
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-03
Wow, wow, wow… Now how the hell did we end up with one of these? A Mask of Secrets from Prespheric Eden. W———ow. I mean, it's not like it's one of a kind, but still… crazy that we even have one and it was just lying around in a box. From what I've been able to gather from Mammon and Daichi, there were, at one point, at least a hundred of these things hung up on Eve's wall back in Eden. Of course, most did not survive the Fall, but the design and materials are Archonic, so… they have a degree of "cataclysm proofing" built in.
It was said that the Archon Secret would wear a different mask every day. Each mask a different lie and different life. See, Secret didn't exactly stay put in Eden. He roamed all about the fledgling Universe, making multiple stops in Skald and Arcadia as well. In Skald he attempted to sway King Abraxas and in Arcadia he led many mortals astray toward his Cold aims. Or… something like that. As for what the Mask actually does… Not much. It's a mask. If it had magical properties they either died out long, long ago or only Secret was able to access them. Still, a really, really cool collectors piece!
You know, it's funny, actually. The design of the mask is so… familiar. But I just can't put my finger on where I've seen it before. Hm… It's like when I look at the Mask I'm seeing an old friend… or perhaps… an old foe. I see in it something dark and evil… a Secret… or maybe it's ill-intent personified… a—oh, wait, haha nevermind! I think it's just cuz it looks like the mask worn by the Masked Magician from that one show, uhh… Breaking the Magician's Code! Yeah! That's totally it. It looks so similar to Val Valentino's mask, that's crazy!
BARISTA: SIMON WRIGHT
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-04
Unfair! Totally wildly unfair! Amber, Dover, and Jahzeel swoop in and grab single trinkets and I'm stuck putting away not one, not two, but five things. FIVE! Ugh.
Objects #9398-9402: Five of the Nine Sections of the Unholy Spear of Destiny. Tesseract must've picked these up in one of their crazy time travel adventures. As far as we're aware, our timeline never had a "Spear of Destiny," let alone an Unholy one. Like the myth, this Spear was used to kill a god of men, or a god in a man? Or… well, a human effigy of divinity, but again, not of our timeline so… I can't really pin who exactly this spear killed. What I do know is that the Spear, while segmented, is a package deal. Even though it's not from "here," it is all here. We just don't know where the other four sections are… And for the best, honestly.
From what John Doe and Co. found out about it, the man-god that this spear killed was uh… genocidal, to put it mildly. This spear was, at one point, capable of splitting atoms at will. Meaning he was able to slice and dice nukes out of thin air and I guess it was the only thing that was able to kill him in the end. The force of his destruction and the severing of his connection to divinity also broke the Spear into nine sections of which the alternate timeline Flipside fought over for centuries… or something like that. Doesn't really matter now cuz Tesseract blew that timeline up along with countless others during Operation: Becoming Dragons.
But even blowing it up didn't destroy the Unholy Spear still charged with raw godhood. As for where I think the rest of the Spear is… well, my guess would be… one piece in the Otherside, one piece in the Topside, one piece in Eden, and one piece… somewhere else? Where else? I don't know and I don't wanna know. Let it be lost. As I see it: we control the majority of this mega doomsday weapon and that's good enough for me. I'd rather us not even know where the other sections are cuz then it can't be used against us.
BARISTA: JAHZEEL JONES
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-05
Simon needs to shut his ass up. Easy? You wanna talk about easy? Easy is putting away five little metal rods that don't do anything unless you get all nine of them together. I'd love to see Simon try and contain a cracked Fogjewel from the damn Creaking. 'Course knowing him, he'd just magic it all away. I've had to open every window, run three fans, and flap my arms up and down like a damn 'tic to try and keep my office from being filled with Maydian fog. Why'd we even take this thing anyway? Not, we, of course—why'd Req' take this cracked piece of shit? What could it possibly be used for?
Well—a diversion, I guess. If we were ever being swarmed by 'mons or 'tids I guess we could throw this thing down and fill the whole room up with fog. But… then how would we see? Funny thing is, at some point, this Fogjewel's gotta run out of, well, fog. These Maydian wonders don't magic up fog out of nowhere, when they are working as intended they actually suck the fog up to keep the skies and seas clear. 'Course, when one gets a crack like this one does… woosh… all the fog it sucked up seeps out. So, scratch this being useful for a diversion if we don't know how long it'll leak fog for anyhow.
I don't even know how I got the damn thing leakin' in the first place. I'll fess up, I did totally grab the smallest looking trinket to try and get this work over with, but to be fair, who ran inventory for Objects #3000-4000? That's right. Just me. So I wanted something easy to do, something quick, but damn… Fate doesn't play with me like that, does it? I've tried everything to get this jewel back to its inert state. Tried rubbing it, shaking it, stroking it, sweet talking it… all the components of a very good night, right? But still, the thing is just foggin' it up. Once it stops—or slows—I'll put it away.
BARISTA: JETHRO & LAZARUS LANGLEY
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-06
Very, very fancy! A thrice-folded ancient ring of sleepless dreams from the Crags of Paramnesia in the Morningstar. Three rings held together by magic alone. One for the waking world, one for the sleeping world, and one for the realm between. Object #9404.
It's a looker, that's for sure. It'd make any neophyte to the Astral Plane thrice as powerful within it and, more excitingly, it lets one dream while awake. It'd fetch us a lovely price on the black market—
Which one?
Ah—I keep forgetting we shut down the Black Bazaar! Or, well, Midnight did anyway. Which is where I assume they picked this trinket up. On the one hand, Herbert White was by all accounts a megalomaniac mad car salesman and everything he ever sold came with a horrible, terrible, ironic curse. But on the other…
The deals! The bargains! The haggles! The—agh! ALEXANDRIA BURNED TWICE AND WE WERE NOT THERE FOR THE FINAL FIRE SALE! WE COULD'VE SAVED A FORTUNE AND MADE A MINT!
…On the third hand though, his merchandise was all EXTREMELY cursed to hell and back. It was his gimmick afterall. Which is why I would not even dare to put this ring on. If it was from Herbet White's market it is cursed.
I would put it on.
You wouldn't.
Why not?
You shouldn't.
If we were to, perchance, pocket this ring to resell it at a sizable boon to the Cafe and Diner (finders fee to us, naturally)… we would have to be certain that it works. We must pay off the marvelous Mr. Jack Keel somehow…
You couldn't.
Ah—but I fear not waking nightmares, dear brother. I fear only missing out on a good time! Dream babes, here I come!
And he's done it. Placed the ring on and gone completely and utterly comatose. Well, it's cursed alright. I've had Alex take a look at him and he claims it is likely cursed in a way similar to a plant called ater clementia, which I have never heard of… but apparently it is a parasitic plant that shows you your greatest desires. So… Now we need only figure out a way to release my brother from his undoubtedly debaucherous paradise… Hm… No idea how to do that. But once that's sorted we'll put the ring away somewhere safe. Can't really get a good price out of a cursed object, can we?
BARISTA: MELODY ROSE
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-07
How in the heck did I end up with the Five Skulls of Energy, Omens, Wizardy, Decay, and Terror? I don't know if you've all seen me… but do I scream… any of that? Even Energy I'm not too fond of. Where did the Cafe and Diner even get these from? Checking back through the logs (and with a lot of assistance from CaDence!) we think these came from the original Bloodglass staff, back during the Pandemonium Crisis or maybeeee the Rogue Prophet Operations. From what CaDence told me, the old Bloodglass crew never really, uhm, "kept in touch," with the other branches, so it's not so terribly surprising that someone from that staff got their hands on the Five Skulls and just never brought it up.
They once belonged to a very powerful Naga and each skull grants the power of what it says it does: energy, omens, wizardry, decay, and terror. Energy is straightforward enough. When holding that skull one can push and pull things telepathically. The skull doesn't create energy though, only displaces its own energy, so it wouldn't be much good for making a generator or the like as each skull really only has about an hour's worth of power before needing to be recharged. Decay is also clear, point the skull toward something and it'll rot away. Terror, also well named, as it can induce incredible fear in those it's pointed at.
It's really just "wizardy" and "omens" that has me scratching my head. I think it must be a mistranslation or something along those lines because "wizardy" is really just, like, electricity powers. Point the skull and it shoots an arc of electricity. Which… I guess that could be seen as "wizardy," to some. And "omens" should probably be called "astral," as it can put things into the Astral Plane or take them out… which… hey!!! That gives me an idea! I think I know how to free our stuck Langley!
Or, well, I can't make it any worse!
BARISTA: ALEX GÁLVEZ
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-INT-08
We—ll that takes care of that! Every bit and bob from over 50 successful Cafe and Diner operations squared away. Ok, well, more or less successful. Usually. There used to be a term for what we did… Falling just short of success… Mm… Failure. Failure! That's it. 50 "successful" Cafe and Diner operations minus all of the horrible failures. 9,409 Objects in all.
9,410 actually!
There was one last trinket at the very bottom of the last box. A small cylinder, about the size of a human palm, with a little button on top, kinda like a detonator. The button has an eerie green glow to it despite no obvious power source. Very strange. One could certainly press the button to find out what it does… But… What if it DOES blow something up? What if it does something even more cataclysmic! Think of the horror! Think of the continued failure of the Cafe and Diner Network! And for that reason, I think it would be best if I just hold onto this strange little "buzzer" and keep it safe myself. I know, I know, most if not all of the Cafe's stuff is supposed to be locked away in the Monometallium Vaults of our magnificent benefactor, Mammon. But this? It's a piece of junk.
I doubt it even works, and if it does work, what would it even do? Summon some cosmic horror game show host to introduce untold variables of chaos as he makes us compete in maddening mental challenges in an effort to win some sort of illicitly gained item of immense ill-intent, a cosmic MacGuffin which would easily turn the tides for whoever wins the prize but, of course, this mad cosmic god allows all to play his game and thus often whatever advantage we might earn could also be earned by our very own foes, thus raising the stakes immeasurably and—ah, shit, sorry, I'm just rambling again. That's crazy, right? Why would a harmless little buzzer ever do something like that?
Piece of junk.
So, I'll hold onto it.
BARISTA: THE AUDITOR
CAFE: NONE
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: C-DBB-146
I almost regret asking at all.
I suppose, for now, the Big Bong case can be put to rest. At least I finally figured it out, despite the utter chaos of our meeting. They were hoping to utilize the Big Bong in an effort to restore Warden to Victoria. A foolish endeavor made so much worse by the extravagance of Mammon. I suppose… it is to be expected of the Testament branch. Regardless, I need to start heading back to Tesseract. They are likely almost done with their time travelling nonsense.
BARISTA: ALEX GÁLVEZ
CAFE: TESTAMENT
DATE: EARLY OCTOBER
RECEIPT ID: DD-DBB-147
I caught up with my old friend, the Auditor. We go way back. Back before this Universe and even the last. I will say, I wasn't expecting them to return… but I guess, it's like they said: it's really, really hard to kill Archons. Beyond that, we're trapped in a cycle. An anfractuous loop. Y'know, Fate really did a number on this Universe… but the same could be said for Metatron. What I still don't understand is how Secret managed to return when… eh, nevermind. Better not speak the name of evil else it rears its ugly head. Besides we've got more important meaningless work to do.