DPSS01 (Dec 6, 1995)
Summary of Receipt
The Owner mentions that while the rest of the Cafe and Diner has been active over the last few months, he’s been busy investigating Satan’s manipulation of his parish, sparking up a new wave of Satanic Panic mainly through a group called ‘SATAN S.U.C.K.S.S.’, which is a little on the nose. It’s not actively malicious, just misinformed (and mainly full of concerned mothers worried about Dungeons and Dragons and heavy metal). The Owner’s infiltrated the group to gain intel, and has managed to get the phone numbers of a lot of single mothers in his area. He’ll pass them to 17 to investigate.
Transcript
RECEIPT #001
FILED UNDER: DINER-DPSS
DATE: 12/6/95
THE OWNER
While we've been off chasing goats, worms, and oddly shaped children, Padre's been an awfully busy priest. I know I've been, well, distant, perhaps. I assure you all that it was for a good reason—I've been closely monitoring our clerical friend and his Open Doors Church. As I hinted yesterday, Padre Santos seems to have been stirring up a renewed vigor in the classic "Satanic Panic" of the 80s. Of course, such panics are nothing new, historically speaking, though what Padre Santos has manufactured is most closely related to the so-called "moral majority" of the 80s. Which is to say, he's got a lot of stay-at-home-super-moms up in arms over board games and death metal.
I don't think I need to point out the clear and almost painful irony in Padre Santos' lobbying claims of Satanic influence over his parish. Though, I couldn't figure out why he was drawing so much attention to the occult forces. That was until #44 discovered the "Anathema Proxy." Let's call it a tax loophole that lets Padre sell his coffee tax-free, though he can only do so if his followers are perfectly free from sin or... vice or... versa. How the IRS judges whether or not someone is "sin free" is beyond me. Truly, I don't know how that would hold up in Court. Though I suppose that's not our worry, is it?
Our worry should be stopping Padre Santos' Satanic Panic. The root of which would appear to be the mother-lead group calling themselves "SATAN S.U.C.K.S.S.," which I believe is an acronym for Stopping Unholy Cults to Keep Society Safe. Or maybe it was to Keep Society Satan-free. Though, if that's the case, it would be a bit of a hat on a hat, no? To be entirely honest, I have been paying very little attention to the cutesier creative details at the weekly meetings—ah, yes, I probably should have mentioned, I've been posing as a concerned father myself at these meetings to garner more intel. For what it's worth, I've managed to rack up quite the Rolodex of single mothers' numbers. I'll have #17 run them for any interesting connections. If anything, I believe we can all agree that Satan does indeed suck.