I've been running interference for a long ass time, man. Meeting with the worst of the worst and the biggest of the bads… it takes a toll on the psyche, you know. Hell, I got eight of the nine Princes of Hell to work with us. But with eight Princes, a shit ton of antagonists, and sixty five employees the board is getting crowded and I needed to know if our special little "Auditor" was ready to stop acting like an employee and start acting like… well, like something else.
There comes a time when I can't just keep patching holes in the roof when the whole foundation is starting to slide. I've been keeping the heavy stuff close to the vest for a long time… too long, maybe. Though, to be fair, we've made it twenty years thus far. But with the way things are rotting from the inside, I knew I had to level with A a little ahead of schedule. They're a bit of a stickler for the rules, sure, but I needed them to see that the rulebook we've been playing by? It's been gone man.
The Universe has been fraying at the seams ever since CaDence was tricked into killing off the Archons in the last cosmic reboot. Well—fuck me—"killing off" for all the good killing Archons seems to do. Killing mortals even. Understatement to say we're trapped. And even then, we don't have a lot of time to either fix or change things and the last thing I want to do is sit on my hands and wait this all out for another go around.
The Auditor has been getting hung up on the small stuff. We had to talk about the big picture. The really big picture. CaDence was there too, but hell, she's reading this now as I type it. Hard to keep anything from her, so why bother? Far as I'm concerned, she might even help solve our little inequality. Though… something still isn't adding up.
Jack
Come in, A.
Auditor
Why did you take me off of Requiem's case?
Jack
Because it's nothing that serious. It was a set up. A fake Teal to mask an Azure. Ugh, you ever get sick of how colorful the Cressets are?
Auditor
…Then why did you drag me out here?
Jack
CaDence, would you shut the door please.
CaDence
…Do you want me to leave?
Jack
And have this off the record? Not necessary. Besides, you're the only other person here besides A I can trust with this.
[I shut the door and took a seat next to the Auditor.]
Jack
So… God's dead.
Auditor
That can't be true. If God—the Demiurge—was dead, the Universe would…
Jack
Start to rot? Take a look at Terminus, man. It's already happening.
CaDence
Sorry…
Auditor
Sorry?
Jack
W—ell… CaDence… had a part in killing God. And Eve and Abraxas and—
CaDence
I was tricked.
Auditor
Sorry, When did this happen?
Jack
End of the prior Universe. An event known as the Archonophthora. Death of all Archons in the Universe. Of course, as you are well aware, A, Archons are really hard to kill.
Auditor
So, the Universe isn't dead yet, we just need to find a way to bring Demiurge, Abraxas, and Eve back—
Jack
Yes and no. Maybe more no than yes. I… would venture to find a better solution before bringing Demiurge back into power, you feel me?
Auditor
Mr. Keel… that sounds rather cold. Are you suggesting you harbor some ill-intents toward the creator of this Universe?
Jack
No, no… no. Uh, I just want to explore our options before we throw all of our resources into bringing back a problem. Besides, we only need to bring back one of the three Archons to stabilize the Universe.
Auditor
But were any of them good stewards of the Universe?
Jack
…I want to explore our options.
Auditor
Understood. So how do I fit into this scheme of yours?
Jack
You mean you haven't figured it out yet?
Auditor
I believe I understand why I was hired, but to what end does it matter?
[Jack took out his 8-Ball. He gave it a shake and as it shuddered in his palm thin threads of blood seeped out of Jack's hand spinning the die in the 8-Ball. He showed it to the Auditor and I and it read: "D=X E=Y A=A."]
Auditor
Huh. Y and X remain unsolved?
Jack
Seems so.
Auditor
But A?
Jack
Look, I just want to explore all of our options, man. All I'm asking for. Besides, we could seriously use your help in keeping everything straight while we work on figuring out how to undo our cosmic decline. Besides… you're already kind of taking up the role, aren't you?
Auditor
I'll… look into it. Though, while I'm here, could you share some of your infamous insight on the bigger picture—
Jack
—You see it better than I do…
Auditor
—Humor me.
Jack
Fine. The way I see it, man, is like this. Behemoth is our greatest threat. Not just our threat either, he's part and parcel everyone's existential threat. He seeks destruction of all—
Auditor
Nihilism, then? A losing bet, I'd imagine.
Jack
Hardy-har. Anyway, he's working with Ursula Langley, the Morbid King, to further his ultimate end.
Auditor
And what of the Daggers? The Outis Division?
Jack
D.B. Cooper's squad? Well—I have to assume they're working under the same directive of the Nova Archons, specifically Gleam.
CaDence
Ugh.
Jack
Fond memories?
CaDence
Not exactly "memories." Archives.
Auditor
You have access to the prior Archives?
CaDence
Yes and no. Yes. But no. Not for you or for anyone else.
Jack
—Too dangerous. If CaDence started to slip it could unlock the CaDComs up in Alaska and that—
Auditor
…Would give Gleam what he wants. Speaking of Gleam, what about his twin sister, Glean?
Jack
Hard to read. I still think she's just toying with Jericho. But, for now I'll take her help.
Auditor
And throw the poor washed up warlock under the bus? A bit of a trope, isn't it?
Jack
I can't stop Jericho from screwing himself over.
Auditor
Fair enough. And what's the deal with this new "Mangrove Syndicate" business?
Jack
The last living Nephilim, goes only by the Giant, he's soaking up Umbra's lost territory and control and I suppose he's put together a group of his own to reach his own unique aims.
Auditor
Is the Giant in Behemoth's pocket?
Jack
Opposite actually.
Auditor
Oh?
Jack
Still not good for us, I already tried that angle and I got thrown half way across the room for it.
Auditor
So you've physically met with the Giant?
Jack
I've met with every antagonist of the Cafe and Diner. It's my job—
Auditor
—Is it?
Jack
Maybe it should be yours instead? There is still one Cafe I haven't put any effort into.
Auditor
Testament.
Jack
Amen. Though I suspect you want as little to do with that mess as well?
Auditor
…
Jack
I have the utmost faith in Alex and Amber… And Felix, and Dan, and Seth, and Nick and Nikki, and Jericho, Joy, and Julius, and… Julia.
Auditor
Julia. That reminds me… How is Julia…?
Jack
She's doing fine.
Auditor
No. I mean, how is she… here?
Jack
She's doing fine, man. Let's leave it at that.