Case 3: Kings and Cats

CASE NO. 3

Kings and Cats

"Optional quote here."

Receipts

CUS-01

OPEN

BARISTA: THE AUDITOR
CAFE: NONE
DATE: MID NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: CUS-01

As I head back to the contiguous states, I figured I should take a moment to write a bit about Sunshine's current reservation. I would have also spent some time writing about their first service, the one involving Mr. Perez and the Astorians, but I think Jack, Julia, and even Lucy would rather just move past that utter disgrace. Though, in Sunshine's defense, the entire branch is made up of fairly fresh faces in the Coffee Trade and surely their slip up pales in comparison to the worst of Bloodglass, Requiem, or Tesseract. Regardless, everyone is still alive and well, and really that's all that matters. Plus, their disastrous first service is what finally got me hired, so… I can't be too hard on the newcomers.

So, moving past Mr. Perez, Sunshine is currently attempting to serve Mr. Prock a nice warm meal and a… a drink. You know… I can't help but feel like now would be an excellent time to arrange a drink menu for the Cafes—see, each type of customer has a different preference as to what drink they take and it would make writing these diner receipts a bit easier if we were all on the same page in that regard. Of course, the drink menu will be written here, in a Diner Receipt, so you'll still have to put two and two together, but I'll make it as clear as possible. Each type of customer has a taste profile which roughly matches up with our sponsors:

Astra enjoys hot Apple Cider.

Lucy prefers a Coffee with Cream.

Mam is partial to a decadent Hot Chocolate.

Santos favors a tart, fresh-squeezed Orange Juice.

Sara slurps up a neat Scotch.

Beez can't pass up a warm cup of Green Tea.

Levi has a simple taste and orders only Ice Water.

Asmi prefers a Corpse Reviver to kick off the day.

Lastly Behram takes a simple Double Shot.

Any customers outside of our sponsor's tastes, let's just say they'll enjoy a Long Island Iced Tea—a bit of everything all at once with a headache to match.

With all of that now established, Mr. Prock will need a nice warm meal with a calming cup of Green Tea. To aid in Mr. Prock's service, Dalisay has produced a set of gloves made by Mr. Geometer. I would likely advise against using any clothing made from Mr. Geometer but… I suppose we all learn one way or another, right?

C-CUS-02

CAFFEINATED

Puzzle

"Grunter in Dressing Gowns in Germany, Hogs in Horns in Denmark, A Cutter Counsel in Belgium, and a Rotter Roll in the Commonwealth."

Cooking Trivia | 4 Words

Hints

Hint 1: [Gentle hint]

Hint 2: [Medium hint]

Hint 3: [Strong hint]

Answer

PIGS IN A BLANKET

[Explanation goes here]

BARISTA: DALISAY REYES
CAFE: SUNSHINE
DATE: MID NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: C-CUS-02

I respect the Auditor's caution regarding Wapaloosie gloves. I do. But they're wrong. I've used them plenty of times before. Plus, they aren't all that dangerous, are they? All Wapaloosie gloves do is climb to the top of whatever you're holding. If you're holding an axe, your hands will just inch toward the top and then upon reaching the top it'll drop out of your hands. You won't suddenly turn the axe on yourself or others or anything crazy like that. It's not that big of a deal. Really. Besides, my parents have never been able to sell the damn thing at As Below because who wants a pair of gloves that won't let you hold anything? So, we can borrow them for as long as we like. I figure they'll help us climb trees a lot quicker than more mundane methods would. And a lot safer considering we're trying to catch a Splintercat.

Splintercats are mostly benign. A bit tempermental. They are roughly the size of a lynx, with thick keratin horns on their head which they use to ram into trees causing them to splinter and crack in the middle. Fast too. They are able to move at the speed of a cheetah with almost imperceptible build up. Good news is that they aren't overly vicious and tend to leave humans alone. But… They are known for their foul moods. Y'know. From ramming their faces into trees all night long. It's unclear why they ram into trees in the Flipside. Likely just an instinctual habit from their hunting in the Esterskald.

Anyway, the plan is… first Mikey needs to triangulate which section of Colville National Forest the Splintercat is most active in. Then we'll need someone to use the Wapaloosie gloves to climb a tree. Once up there they'll need to hang a bit of Splintercat bait that Kalmia is cooking up right now. When the Splintercat goes to ram the tree, whoever is up there needs to drop down onto the Splintercat and catch them in an Elger Root Net. Kalmia is also working on weaving one. Once we have the Splintercat subdued we'll just need Zach to figure out where the nearest break in the boundary lines is and release the kitty cat back to where it belongs. Should be simple. Any takers?

C-CUS-03

CAFFEINATED

Puzzle

"Jone and Jode's Jarlsberg Enthusiast Equivalent."

Video Game Trivia | 2 Words

Hints

Hint 1: [Gentle hint]

Hint 2: [Medium hint]

Hint 3: [Strong hint]

Answer

SKOOMA CAT

[Explanation goes here]

BARISTA: MIKEY JENKINS
CAFE: SUNSHINE
DATE: LATE NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: C-CUS-03

Heyo, itsa me, Mikey. Sooooo I think I figured out where the Splintercat is. Basically boundary lines connecting the Flipside to the Otherside are somewhat fractal in nature. And so, with Zach's help tracking down the three nearest Esterskaldian boundary lines I was able to run a few OtherTech programs to trace the fractal pattern pinpointing the Splintercat down to a pretty specific location. I sent it to Salenna for review and… well, she read it. It's on read. I mean, I think if I did something wrong she probably would have said something, right?

Anyway… The most notable break is up in Canada, near the border, on Starchuk Road. The nearest break actually in the forest is Old Dominion Mountain. And then the next nearest location for the Fractalized Triangulation to work was Eightmile Island in Idaho. Using those three points I narrowed down the Splintercat to… Tiger, Washington. Which is kind of a funny coincidence. Cuz, uh, a tiger is a type of cat, right? But, you know, it makes sense why we haven't seen more reports about the Splintercat since its first sightings in Colville as Tiger is a very small unincorporated community. I don't know if anyone even still lives there.

Now that we know where it is and stuff we just need someone to catch it. Travis usually would be our go-to-guy for this kinda thing but he's… not here? I don't know where he is or when he'll be back. Not even Jackie knows. Or Julia. Like, I get the whole "cowboy" thing and all but, really, he should let someone know where he's going. Kalmia would do it, but they don't really like heights and stuff. I'm not really fit for, uh, y'know, field work type stuff. Julia's already on portal duty up at Old Dominion (plus the whole almost dying thing from last time). I guess that leaves Dalisay, Zach, or Max. Sooooo… anyone wanna climb a tree like a Wapaloosie?

CD-CUS-04

CAFFEINATED

Puzzle

"6 Swine Spots."

Research || 3 Words

Hints

Hint 1: [Gentle hint]

Hint 2: [Medium hint]

Hint 3: [Strong hint]

Answer

PIG 'N PANCAKE

[Explanation goes here]

BARISTA: MAX KING
CAFE: SUNSHINE
DATE: LATE NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: CD-CUS-04

Well… that's certainly one way to do it. Don't, uh, worry about the specifics. At least it's done, right?

Kalima

You're going too high, Max. The bait needs to be lower for the Splintercat to smell it. And if it rams the trunk that high up, the vibrations are going to shake you right off!

Max

Relax, Kal. Besides, I can't really stop the gloves once they get going. Dalisay was right, they've got a mind of their own. I'll just shimmy down once I get them off.

Kalima

Just try and secure the rope, okay? I have the Elger Root Net prepped. It's woven pretty tight… but, mm… I'm not totally sure. I mean, I think I did it right.

Max

It's fine. It looks very netty. You worry too much. What is Elger Root anyway?

Kalima

It grows in the Thorned Tangle of the Esterskald. It has a calming effect on a lot of cryptids both from there and—did you hear that?

Max

I see movement. Coming from the north. Fast. It's… oh wow. That's one big kitty.

Kalima

Max! Drop the bait and hold on tight!

[The Splintercat slammed its keratin-plated skull into the trunk of the tree. The force instantly split the trunk with a crack and shower of splinters. As the force rippled up, the still somewhat living Wapaloosie gloves accelerated in a panic bringing Max up to the top of the tree—and then quickly rushing to the bottom of the ground. But then, the fall halted. The forest seemed to inhale and hold its breath. The color desaturated from the world, turning the greens of the Colville National Forest into muted, sickly grays. Then, the ground beneath Max unfolded. Bursting from the soil tendrils of what looked like solidified obsidian spiraled upward and caught Max in a cradle of hard, cold darkness just inches from the ground. Another tendril lashed out faster than thought, piercing the Splintercat between its shoulder blades. The cryptid was hoisted into the air, immobile, suspended in the gray and black stillness. The eldritch cradle rotated Max upright. The Splintercat was brought face-to-face with Max, its eyes now a glassy, empty, black. It spoke with an intruding voice echoing through the branches and stillness of the forest.]

Splintercat[?]

That was foolish, my liege. One must be more careful if they are to play out in the woods with such wretched beasts.

[The Splintercat, eyes still wide and glazed, turned mechanically. It walked calmly, directly into the open Elger Root Net lying at Kalmia's feet. It curled up and closed its eyes. Life and motion rushed back into the forest, but not into the Splintercat.]

Kalmia

Max! Oh my god, are you—I—I thought I saw you fall and then—wait…

Max

I… uh. I stuck the landing? Oh, hey, look, the cat's in the bag. Mission successful. Let's get it over to Julia so she can pop it back into the Esterskald.

Kalmia

O—kay.

DD-CUS-05

CAFFEINATED

Puzzle

"???"

???

Hints

Hint 1: [Gentle hint]

Hint 2: [Medium hint]

Hint 3: [Strong hint]

Answer

Seaside

[Explanation goes here]

BARISTA: THE AUDITOR
CAFE: NONE
DATE: LATE NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: DD-CUS-05

That confirms that theory.

To be clear, I did not orchestrate a life or death situation to test Max's powers. Sure, Jack sent me to Sunshine to do exactly that, but Sunshine seems to get into their own life or death situations well enough on their own. And to be even more clear, I was on the fence about jeopardizing any employee's life in the first place. Now… I did suggest that Max should be the one to hang the Splintercat bait because I figured there was a small chance they would fall, and in falling would possibly be saved by their latent powers. But, you know, educated guesses can't be held accountable as actual malicious intent, can they? So, now that I've seen Max's powers unfold (through CaDence's lens, of course) I think I can finally write a bit about who exactly they are and what exactly they can do.

Max King, of the Astoria Kings, is allegedly (though perhaps, less allegedly than before) a direct descendant of Utopic Protodemons. What the hell are "Utopic Protodemons," you might be asking. Well, back before the Universe was as we know it, it was in a "Utopian" state. Three separate Utopias tended to by three separate Archons. Eden watched by Eve. Skald built by Abraxas. And Arcadia was forged by Demiurge. These absconding Archons were able to make these Utopias with three Tools of Creation stolen from Master Kaos of House Axiom in Entropy. The funny thing is, we know three tools were stolen but we've only ever really known about one—the Hammer of Creation. Later forged into the Pocketwatch (one word) of Creation. Eve and Abraxas each had a tool too, though their tools were lost to time and myth. More than likely they were removed from the Universe all together post-Utopia but that's an issue for another time.

Eve, though, had the most powerful of the three. Her tool was a direct conduit of unfettered creation. Anything she could dream or think was made on the spot. Including living thoughts. Egregoric entities, essentially. The issue with Eve's creations was that they were stifled heavily by Demiurge and all that she could dream was limited to what she could see, and it all would fade away like dandelions in the wind. Here's the thing though, suppose some of Eve's earliest thoughts survived—and that, dear reader, is what a Protodemon is.

Max, is a descendant of Eve then. Not by blood, not like the Princes and their children. But… by thought. By creative intent. And it seems that the Protodemon lineage from which Max hails is still watching and protecting them. How Max's powers work, what they do, and all of that—I cannot say. It is, in essence, very, very eldritch, to say the least. But, I can only assume Jack and Astaroth will be sending me back to Sunshine for further study soon.

C-CUS-06

CAFFEINATED

Puzzle

"Barring safe passage to Troy."

Horror Movie Trivia | 6 Words

Hints

Hint 1: [Gentle hint]

Hint 2: [Medium hint]

Hint 3: [Strong hint]

Answer

THE KILLING OF A SACRED DEER

[Explanation goes here]

BARISTA: JACKIE LANG
CAFE: SUNSHINE
DATE: LATE NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: C-CUS-06

That's strange. CD-CUS-04 has been "redacted by the Auditor" and CUS-05 is missing. Why would they do that? I tried asking CaDence and she said it wasn't redacted on her end. I asked Kalmia what happened and they said nothing out of the ordinary except that it looked like Max had fallen. I asked Max what happened and they just blew me off.

Very, very strange.

Well… anyway… Kalmia and Max brought the subdued Splintercat to Julia and I up on Old Dominion Peak. Zach was correct, there was a boundary line between the Flipside and the Esterskald Plane of the Otherside there. Julia was able to open it up no problem and we released the Splintercat, though it didn't wake up when we released it from the net Kalmia made. Maybe it has a stronger effect in the Flipside or maybe the Splintercat was worn out from Flipside hunting—

Sorry, I can't focus on writing this "wrap up" receipt. Why the hell is CD-CUS-04 redacted? I've never seen a receipt "redacted" before. I checked and the other "CD" receipts the Auditor has filed aren't redacted. And it's not a password problem either. I KNOW the password. It's "Pig 'N Pancake." 3 Words, "6 Swine Spots." That has to be Pig 'N Pancake, it has six locations and a swine is another term for a pig. It's kind of become an inside joke at the Sunshine Cafe and it's totally what Max would make the password.

Who the hell even is the Auditor anyway? Does Jack—Does Lucifer—really not trust enough to handle our own business? I mean, come on, we got the Splintercat back without any fuss, so what gives? Are we on some sort of stupid shadow probation? Lucifer won't even LOOK at me. Over what? A fucking little accident that—and it's so stupid! She's a Cambion! I doubt Cambions are as fragile as humans and Lucifer has put me through way more dangerous stunts than that. So—ugh. Whatever.

Mission accomplished. Good enough, I guess.

CAD-04

OPEN

BARISTA: THE AUDITOR
CAFE: NONE
DATE: LATE NOVEMBER
RECEIPT ID: CAD-04

First things first: it is deeply distressing that CD-CUS-04 has been redacted from Sunshine's personal view.

For the life of me, I don't know why that is. I also see that the general numbering of receipts is off. Really, that is all quite strange. Strange things are our business though, so I wouldn't get too worked up over it, Jackie. Though, I will speak to CaDence about it. Perhaps it's just a glitch in the CaDCom system? Not that I am claiming CaDence is "glitchy." Please, she is anything but. Let's not worry ourselves with the "behind the scenes" of it all. One can hope that it's a clerical error and it can be dealt with swiftly. CaDence knows what she is doing, after all. Anyway… quite a quick case for Sunshine! Truly, exemplary work team! I thought, you know, based on the prior receipts, you would have struggled a bit more with Mr. Prock. Oh, how I was wrong! Not a problem for you at all!

And with that all squared up, I believe it is time for me to return to the The Cafe and Diner in Long Beach, California. I need to discuss some important things with Jack—and I'll see if CaDence knows what's up with the "redactedness" of certain receipts. Again, quite strange. In the meantime, I'll dust off Midnight's case report that was filed before my employment and put it back into the public repository system. You know, it's funny, out of all eight Cafes, I wouldn't have guessed Midnight to be the only one on top of getting a Case Report filed before my arrival. Mm, then again, I suppose they have quite a bit more free time since the shuttering of their main competitor, the Dark.

Oh well, I wonder where Jack will send me next—and if they'll still have some turkey by the time I get there.